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21 September 2007 @ 02:33 pm
A Little Chat With Corporate [The Office; Michael/Jan]  
TITLE: A Little Chat With Corporate (or: Michael Calls His Girlfriend To Complain About Andy)
FANDOM: The Office
PAIRING: Michael/Jan
SPOILERS: "The Return" (3x14)


"Can I fire Andy?"


Michael huffed, ducking under his desk when he saw Andy looking for him. He dropped his voice to a near whisper. "I said can I fire Andy?"

"On what grounds, Michael? And why are you whispering?"

"Because he's crazy!"



"Is that why you want to fire him, or why you're whispering?"

"Both, I guess. And he's really annoying."

Michael listened to his (sorta/kinda) girlfriend sigh on the other end of the phone. "Michael, I'm afraid I can't authorize firing someone because they're annoying you."

"Well he's not just annoying me! He's annoying everybody!"

"I still can't accept that as a reason to fire someone."

"C'mon..." he cajoled her softly. "Please, baby?"

"What did I tell you about calling me that at work, Michael?"

"Umm... do it?"

"Hardly." She sighed again. "Look, Michael, I'm sorry to be short with you but I have a lot on my plate for today. If you want to fire Andy, you have to take the steps to do it."

"Such as?"

"Well first, you need a legitimate reason to fire him."

"Done. He's annoying as all hell."

"That won't work, Michael," she sighed. After a moment, she added in a very helpful tone, "If he's causing a major disruption..."

"Oooh. You're brilliant."

Jan just barely chuckled a response. "Secondly, he needs a verbal warning."

"Okay, I can do that later."

"Then he would need a written warning."

"I can write that up after I give him his verbal warning."

"No, Michael. Two separate offenses. Two separate instances."

"Jan, I can think of like fifty right now."

"Past offenses don't count."

"Dammit. You know, you're really making this hard." At his last statement, he grinned widely.

Predictably, Jan was right there, tuned in to his thoughts. "....Don't say it, Michael."

"I wasn't going to."

"You were thinking it, weren't you?"

"Can't fault me for that," he sighed, and decided he was safe crawling out from under his desk. "Or if you really must fault me for it... punish me later like the bad boy I am."

"Oh Michael, for God sakes..."


"Just... if you must start things off today, give him his verbal warning, okay?"

"Alright. Then what?"

"We'll worry about that later."

"Ugh, fine. You know I'm about to put my head through a wall, right?"

"I know, Michael," she said softly... oddly sympathetic. "And I'm sorry. Just try to hang in there for now, okay?"

"Okay." Then quietly, pouting, he asked, "Are you still coming over later?"

He felt her smile through the phone lines. "Yes."

Then she disconnected the call, and Michael went back to figuring out how to best avoid his new irritant. Man... sometimes, the guy was worse than Toby. Maybe he would go put his head through a wall.


"Jan, he put his FIST through the WALL!"

A sigh on the other end greeted him first. "Hello to you too, Michael. What's going on now?"

"Andy," Michael replied simply, as if that in and of itself was explanation enough.

"What about him?"

"He put his fist through a wall! Like... punched a hole right in the wall!"

"He what?"

"There's a fist-sized hole in the wall right by my office!" he exclaimed, pressing the phone almost angrily to his ear. "All because he couldn't find his stupid cell phone!"

"Well Michael-"

"And don't you dare say that's not grounds enough to fire him, Jan. I should get to fire him twenty times for that one!"

"Well that's not grounds enough to fire him. I'm sorry."

"Jan..." he whined.

"I'm sorry, honey, but other than putting him on sabbatical..."

"What did you say?"

"I said, other than putting him on sabbatical-"

"No, before that." He grinned. "Did you just call me honey?"


"Yes you did."

"No, I didn't, Michael. You know how I feel about those silly pet names."

"And yet you called me honey. You're so cute, Jan."

She sighed. "As I was saying... we can put him on sabbatical. I'll report the incident to the head of HR, he'll tell Toby that Andy has to take unpaid leave from work to complete anger management lessons."

"So, like... Andy won't be here anymore?"

"Not for awhile, no."

"That's brilliant! God, Jan, you're so smart. Like a... smart, hot schoolgirl."


He dropped his voice low. "A schoolgirl who's been naughty."


"And I know just what to do with naughty schoolgirls."

"Michael, stop it."

"Why?" he grinned. "Am I turning you on?"

He heard her packing up her things. "I'll be in Scranton in a couple hours. Meet me at your condo."

His eyes widened and he jumped up, still holding the phone to his ear while he set about gathering his things. "Yeah, okay. Are you bringing the uniform?"

"For the fiftieth time, Michael, I don't have one."

"Can you buy one on the way?"


"Well..." He almost whined. "Will you at least wear the pigtails this time?"


"Fine," he huffed, "So I guess we'll just be having regular 'ole hot sex."

"And that's a problem for you, Michael?"

"Not at all. I'll see you in a couple hours... honey."


He hung up grinning before she could say another word.


{x-posted to michaelandjan}