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08 December 2008 @ 03:14 pm
Sweet Dee Gives Charlie a Makeover [Sunny; Charlie/Dee]  
TITLE: Sweet Dee Gives Charlie a Makeover
CHAPTER 1 of 2
FANDOM: It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia
PAIRING: Charlie/Dee friendship, Mac/Dennis bickering
SPOILERS: Post- "Charlie Has Cancer" and "The Aluminum Monster vs. Fatty Magoo"
RATING: PG-13 for language
SUMMARY:


*****

11:30a.m.
On a Wednesday
Philadelphia, PA


******

"All I'm saying, Charlie, is that you are getting absolutely nowhere with this waitress, so maybe it's time to try something different!"

"Oh try something different, she says! Try something different - do you believe this?!"

"Charlie, she's got a point! I mean, you've been chasing after this girl for what, like four years? Five years? Your methods aren't working!"

"Well hey, Charlie's got his own system! And you have to admit, he's got this freaky way of wearing people down after a little while. Maybe if he just gives it another year or two..."

Four exclamations ran over the top of each other inside an emptied-out Paddy's Pub. The usual crowd of Wednesday drunks had yet to arrive, and just the gang was occupying the bar, minus Frank who was playing poker (or possibly Russian roulette -- nobody wanted to know for sure) with some friends in the basement.

"Well fine! Fine!" Charlie yelled, throwing his arms up in the air spastically before letting them hit the bar. "So I obviously have no idea how to win this girl over and you do, Dee, right? Is that what you're saying?!"

"That's exactly what I'm saying, yes!" She slammed down the glass she'd been drying. She gestured to her twin brother, sitting on the other side of Mac from Charlie. "Look at the type of guy she's attracted to."

Charlie made a face, leaning around Mac. "Who, Dennis?" He narrowed his eyes at him, studying him.

"Yes! Really look at Dennis. See how he's dressed?"

Dennis straightened up proudly on his barstool, like a peacock showing off his plumage, and smirked.

"See how he carries himself?" Dee continued, emphasizing her next point with a slap on the bar. "That's what your waitress wants!"

Charlie nodded slowly, still studying Dennis with narrowed eyes. "Ohh, I get it." He turned back to Dee. "So you're saying that all I need to win this girl over is to dress and act like a total douchebag!"

"Yes!"

While Charlie and Dee continued to chatter their agreement, Dennis held up his hands. "Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold on a second there! Douchebag?" He chuffed. "I am not a douchebag."

Charlie made a face. "Oh dude, face it - you are..." he shook his head, "so full of douchery."

Dennis mirrored the face Charlie made. "That is not even a word."

Charlie nodded, gesturing to him. "That's exactly what a douchebag would say."

Dennis rolled his eyes. "Oh, please." He smacked Mac on the arm. "Dude, come on - would you tell them?"

Mac, who up until that point had just been quietly drinking his beer, winced slightly at his friend. "Sorry, man, I gotta agree with Dee and Charlie here. You are kiiiiind of a douchebag sometimes."

Dennis' eyes widened. "What?! I am not." He nodded at him. "And dude, if anyone's a douchebag, it's you."

"Oh yeah, I'm a total asshole," he agreed immediately, dead serious. "But see, I'm comfortable with that now. You're not. You need to get comfortable with your douchery."

"Still not a word."

"Only douchebags say that, bro."

"Mac, will ya shut up?"

"Everybody just calm down! CALM DOWN!" Charlie practically screamed. "I thought we were talking about my problems here! Dee..." He leaned across the bar and grabbed for Dee's hands, almost in desperation. "How do I get this girl to like me?"

Dee jerked her hands away quickly and told him, "The answer's simple, isn't it? You've gotta be more like Dennis."

"So how do I do that?"

She smirked. "I can give you a makeover."

At this, all three men balked, various exclamations running over the top of one another:

"Oh come on, Dee!"

"You can't be serious!"

"Forget it, Dee!"

Her jaw dropped indignantly. "What? Oh fine, fine. You don't want my help, Charlie? Have it your way, then." She threw her dishtowel down on the bar and started to walk away. "Good luck."

Charlie leapt off his stool and grabbed her by the upper arm before she could get too far. "Dee, wait! Wait. Is there anything else I could do to get this girl?"

"Nope."

Charlie tilted his head and let go of her arm. "Well, there is no way I am letting you give me a makeover."


*****

"Sweet Dee Gives Charlie a Makeover"

*****


"Dee, are you sure about this?"

"Yes, Charlie! How many more times are you going to ask?"

"Well it's just..." Charlie shook his head at his reflection in Dee's mirror, his hands nervously grabbing the arms of the chair he sat in while she cut his hair. "It's just that I've, um... never seen you cut hair before, so... I guess I'm a little scared that you'll make it look bad?"

"I could never make it look bad, Charlie. Trust me, I'm awesome at this. I wouldn't want to make it look bad, anyway - you have great hair."

"Really?" He watched her nod in the mirror, her eyes focused on her task.

"Yeah, I've mentioned that before."

"You mean, like... to other people? What do you say?"

She sighed, rolling her eyes undetected. "I say, um... 'oh, that Charlie, he has really great hair.'"

"Thanks, Dee. So you say this to, like... other girls and stuff?"

"Uhhhh, yeah! Sure. Definitely." She snipped a couple more uneven pieces of hair, pulling it gently through her fingers before she cut the ends. "So even if you can't win that waitress over, you could pretty much have any other girl you wanted. All because of this." She tugged on his hair slightly.

"Awesome." After a pause in which he watched her through the mirror, and she watched the scissors in his hair, he had to ask. "Am I cute, Dee?"

"What?"

"Cute. Am I a cute guy? Like if I didn't have the rockin' hair thing going for me, could I still, like... get by on my looks like Dennis?"

"Don't push it, Charlie."

"Alright."


*****

"Bro, I am not a douchebag. Seriously I'm not. How could you even say that?"

"Ugh!" Mac finished unlocking the door to their apartment before trudging inside, wishing he was anywhere but with Dennis at the moment. "Seriously, are you still going on about this? Get over it! So you're a douchebag, so what?"

"But I'm not! I'm a nice guy. I'm charming."

Mac pointed to his roommate with his keys, as if making his point. "See and once again you start in with the douchey stuff."

Dennis threw his arms up in the air and let them fall to his sides. "How is that douchey? It's called confidence, Mac!"

"Yeah, well, you've got way too much of it."

"You're one to talk! And if I'm such a douchebag, how come I was so popular in high school?"

"Dude, all the popular kids were dicks. That's like a pre-requisite." Mac raised his eyebrows and held up a finger, eyes narrowed contemplatively. "Come to think of it, maybe that's where the douchebaggery started."

"What?" Dennis made a face. "Quit making up words!" He huffed. "Alright, y'know what? I am going to prove to you that I am a nice guy. Here..."

Mac tilted his head back in agony and rolled his eyes toward the ceiling, silently asking God for strength, while he waited for Dennis to return from his bedroom. And predictably, he emerged with one of his yearbooks, open with the spine resting against his palm.

"Alright, here, look at this." He sidled up to Mac, and they leaned over his yearbook together as he read one of the signatures aloud. "'Dennis: you're a super fun guy. Don't ever change. Love, Jessica Glasswood.' See?"

"See what?" Mac furrowed his brows. He pointed to the signature and shrugged one shoulder. "She just said you were fun. What does that have to do with anything? At no point did she mention anything about you being a nice guy."

"Nice and fun, it's the same thing!"

Mac shook his head. "No, not even close. 'Nice' means nice, like if she needed a shoulder to cry on then maybe she'd come to you. 'Fun' means that if she wanted to bash the shit out of some mailboxes with a bat then she'd know who to call."

"Well here, how about this one?" He drew Mac's eyes to another entry. "'Hey Dennis, you're adorable! I'm so glad I got to sit next to you in Spanish. Have a kickass summer, love Amy Savage.' Adorable! See?"

"Dude, again, that is not even close to nice. Adorable is like a puppy."

"Well puppies are nice."

"No way, bro, some puppies are assholes." He pointed to Dennis. "You could be one of those asshole puppies, that like chews up all the furniture and shit."

Dennis glared. "I'm not an asshole puppy, okay? I'm a nice guy. I'll prove it to you."

"Be my guest, man, but it ain't gonna happen. Just embrace the fact that you're a douchebag. You'll feel better about yourself."

"Never," Dennis breathed lowly, melodramatically, with another glare, and stomped off to his bedroom.


*****

"All done!" Dee whipped the towel away from Charlie's neck and brushed away the stray hair that had gotten on his neck and shoulders.

"Thanks, Dee! It looks... it looks..." Charlie turned his head this way and that, inspecting his reflection. Finally, he furrowed his brows. "It looks the same as before. What the hell? Did you even cut it? I'm not giving you that twenty bucks if you didn't cut it."

"Yes I cut it, Charlie! I was just getting rid of the split ends."

"Oh. Well in that case, it looks great." He stood up and brushed off the rest of the stray hair. "So now what?"

"Now, Charlie my boy?" Dee raised her eyebrows and planted her hands on her slim hips, smirking. "We shop."

"What? Oh, fuck that."

"What?! Come on!" She gestured to what he was wearing. "Do you really think you're going to win over that waitress wearing a grubby-ass tee shirt with a picture of a horse-man on it?"

"IT IS A CENTAUR, DEE!" he yelled, punctuating each of his exclamations by pointing at himself. "AND IT IS MY FAVORITE TEE SHIRT. IF SHE CANNOT ACCEPT ME FOR WHO I AM IN MY FAVORITE TEE SHIRT, THEN--"

"OKAY, OKAY!" Dee held up her hands in supplication. "Jesus Christ, Charlie!"

"I'm sorry! I just get really pissed when people hate on my favorite shirt!"

"Yeah clearly." She folded her arms across her chest and huffed. "Look all I'm saying is that, to start out, you need to dress to impress. When women see a man dressed all shitty and generally looking gross, they want nothing to do with them. But if a man dresses nice, and actually looks like he has the ability to coordinate his own clothes, women are instantly attracted to them." She shrugged. "Basic psychology."

"Uhhhh, I don't think so."

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure it is."

"So, do I have to wear, like... suits and shit? Because if I do, I want one with one of those stitchy things right here--" he pointed to where a breast pocket would sit.

"A crest..." she supplied, sighing exasperatedly.

"Yeah! But like I want the crest to be a centaur or, uh... like the Superman 'S' or something cool like that."

"You don't have to wear a suit, Charlie. Maybe just a nice sweater and a button-down shirt."

"Oh, okay. Sure."

As they grabbed their jackets and headed out of Dee's apartment, Charlie asked, "Could it be a sweater with like a centaur or something on it?"



TBC


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{x-posted to itsalwayssunny}
 
 
 
Fabulous Sweetie!the_popsicle on December 8th, 2008 11:24 pm (UTC)
dude you are like the best! You write 30 Rock, X Files AND It's Always Sunny and you got the characters down so well!
a.: mulder/scully; stay close don't goregalish on December 12th, 2008 07:24 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much! :)
][ sana ][: the dayman comethsantabutt on December 9th, 2008 04:47 am (UTC)
"IT IS A CENTAUR, DEE!" he yelled, punctuating each of his exclamations by pointing at himself. "AND IT IS MY FAVORITE TEE SHIRT. IF SHE CANNOT ACCEPT ME FOR WHO I AM IN MY FAVORITE TEE SHIRT, THEN--"


HOLY SHIT, THIS IS GOLD.
a.: chandler; funnymanregalish on December 12th, 2008 07:24 pm (UTC)
Haha, thank you! I'm glad you liked it :D
stephen@charleneforever.com: 30 rock: liz & donna moss but not reallymichellek on December 9th, 2008 06:16 am (UTC)
ha, this was hilarious.
a.: jack/liz; walk onregalish on December 12th, 2008 07:25 pm (UTC)
Hee, why thank you!
I AM THE NEW iKRIPKEipodsr2big on December 9th, 2008 06:25 am (UTC)
"And dude, if anyone's a douchebag, it's you."

"Oh yeah, I'm a total asshole," he agreed immediately, dead serious.


Love it. It's like I'm watching a lost episode.
a.: blair; the queenregalish on December 12th, 2008 07:25 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much! I really appreciate that. I hope to have more soon.
100 Dollar Baby: sunny sweet dee dirty pervertscifigal on December 9th, 2008 07:50 am (UTC)
That was really good!

No way, bro, some puppies are assholes

I really think you captured the characters well, and I could totally picture this happening! Very fun!
a.: mulder/scully; runregalish on December 12th, 2008 07:27 pm (UTC)
Thank you very much! I had been worried about characterization, so I'm happy to hear you think I did okay :)

More soon!
100 Dollar Baby: tbbt sheldon isn't insanescifigal on December 9th, 2008 08:26 am (UTC)
I was curious as to whether or not you take writing prompts from people, or if you request them at times. I have been avoiding the fanfics, but yours completely drew me in.
a.: 30r; wordies & objectively awesomeregalish on December 12th, 2008 07:50 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much! That means so much that you'd read my fics despite not reading many others. Truly, I appreciate that. ♥

And I actually do take writing prompts. Occasionally I'll ask my f-list for prompts if I'm needing to break a spell of writer's block or just if I'm looking for a challenge. Other than that, I've got a handy-dandy fic request post at my personal LJ. Feel free to stop by and visit :)
x| Margaritasaladdaze on December 10th, 2008 11:30 pm (UTC)
I absolutely loved this!~
a.: models; lips of an angelregalish on December 12th, 2008 08:21 pm (UTC)
Thank you! I'm glad you liked this :)
NewEngland32: pic#99069495newengland32 on February 24th, 2013 09:04 am (UTC)
I just want to say this is spot-on in character.